I’m in a rut.
Not a deep one, and not one that I can’t get out of, but a rut. I’m not where I’ve been, but I’m struggling to move forward. I’m in a rut.
It’s like when my tires get stuck in the snow in one of the residential areas that rarely get plowed. There are two different types of ruts. The one you can rock back and forth in your car in, by slightly reversing then quickly driving forward (by yourself) before eventually gaining the momentum to be set free. And there’s the ruts where you’ve done the aforementioned back and forth rocking, but to no avail; and you need the help of family, friends, or good Samaritans to push you out of the rut.
In my experience with snow ruts, whether the rut comes unexpectedly or not, I usually don’t know which rut it is until I try to get out on my own and I’m successful or try to get out on my own and I’m not. When I am out however, there is a wonderful release of anxiety and a glorious exodus into new freedom. But before that freedom are experiences of panic, playing the ‘could have, would have, should have’ mind game, and feeling a mild sense of despair. I know I’ll eventually get out, but “how?”, and “what kind of rut am I in”. For now, I don’t know the answer to either of those questions; but I’ll keep ‘rocking back and forth’, trying to gain momentum, and hoping and praying that help will come along, if needed.
I felt that way for a while… then I realized, “Hey, maybe I’m not in a rut. Maybe I’m right where God wants me to be and the feelings I have are not of being stagnant or ‘in a rut’, but of a slow but progressive spiritual, emotional, and mental growth. Perhaps the discomfort is not of not growing but instead of growing through challenges and past mental roadblocks.” So then I started feeling better, not great because I still feel really challenged, but better in that I feel hopeful and that soon this time of challenge will give birth to something good. 🙂